Memory

My worst fear is to forget....or should I say not remembering? I associate forgetting something as a choice made as the result of bitterness to put something from your mind...where as not remembering is simply neglected thoughts escaping to the corners of your mind -where only a shooting star or a smile from a stranger can bring to the front. Too often as a defense mechanism I choose to forget things, because it's so much easier to pretend like they never happened. Not necissarily the bad things that give you a reason to despise someone, but the good things that remind you that there is every reason in the world to be in love with them. Fortunately bad times and arguments are automatically put away from your mind as time erodes away at your memory, however the good memories (hugs, laughs, bare feet) they're harder to hide... your body gets confused, your heart doesn't understand why your mind wants to hide something that made you feel so good at one point in time.

In all reality..........why would YOU want to?

Not remembering is scary...because you can't remember to keep from not remembering - all you can think of is trying to forget. The most minor things can jog a memory.... possibly the way shoes lie on the front door's carpet, feet hanging out a car window, or those hubcaps that are hanging on my walls but i only realize they're there maybe once a year... Every so often these things will catch the corner of my eye - and flood lights illuminate the hidden memories- suprisingly enough, they haven't lost any clarity... Warm butterflies fill my stomach as the illumination of one memory sparks the illumination of many - butterflies turn into heavy weights as I realize these were things I didn't remember i was trying to forget.

At those points in time when I'm basking in the bliss of the past, I'm happy that i didn't remember to forget them...and I'll think i'll forget to keep forgetting things -because I've worked so hard to achieve good memories, so it would be a waste to let them become pale in the shadows of my mind...

Confusing? yeah, i know (heh)