Restless

These last few days have found me flip-flopping between complete exhaustion and the complete inability to shut my brain off and just sleep. I am also having wild dreams, and craving as much change as possible.

*Sigh* I feel bad for Adam, who looked confused, but put on a smile when I asked for his help re-arranging the living room the day we got back from Hawaii on a red-eye flight. Then I came home with shorter, straighter hair, complete with bangs on Monday. Wednesday was when I decided it was high time to re-organize every closet or drawer in our house, followed by my intense search for all the things we should get rid of, and either donating them or posting them to Craigslist. I do this. I go through this extreme needs for change, so I make the little changes I can. My dreams have been vivid and bizarre, though thankfully not nightmarish. Still, they're waking me up in a confusion, the kind where you have to walk back through your dream to realize it was in fact a dream, not a memory.

I've been wanting to find ourselves a church we can love, and become a part of for some time now. Adam doesn't share my pressing need for this, which is unusual, it's generally the other way around. I will confess I have never felt a constant, or deep connection to God. Maybe it feels like there's too much pressure, so I can't perform, can't make it happen. Or maybe it's because I've never had the right avenues to connect to Him/Her. I've had moments, like everyone has moments. Dance is generally the way I connect, or being in some amazingly beautiful place; like Rome, or Hawaii, or even watching a Panhandle sunset.

My recent inspiration for hope has been, oddly enough, a memoir recently made into a movie-starring Julia Roberts like all the good ones do. "Eat Pray Love" has me thinking, digging, writing, exploring. I'm reading it for the 3rd time right now. There's something about it that I know I'm supposed to be gleaning, so I plan to keep going back for more until I've taken all I can from the experiences & lessons "Lizz" has to share with me. Some might find it ridiculous that I've turned to a best seller memoir for spiritual guidance, and maybe they're right. Maybe I'm grasping at straws here, but to speak honestly I have to say, "No, I'm not." I need something else, something/someone outside of Adam, friends, family, therapists...I crave the connection I can easily find with these people, but I need it with God. I want it so badly, and have always felt as though I was chasing after a ghost-until now.

If you're one who prays, would you mind slipping one for me in there? That I will find peace, a familiar place with God, and the ability to just sit still and feel, not rush to change.