God's Presence

At church we've just begun a series about our relationship with God. Alongside services we're doing small groups and reading "Can You Hear Me". This first week began with a meditation on Psalm 139 and Jeremiah 23:23-24. We were to contemplate what it meant to experience the presence of God, to be aware of God's presence and how you know.

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.

I'm an open book to you;

even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.

You know when I leave and when I get back;

I'm never out of your sight.

You know everything I'm going to say

before I start the first sentence.

I look behind me and you're there,

then up ahead and you're there, too—

your reassuring presence, coming and going.

This is too much, too wonderful—

I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

to be out of your sight?

If I climb to the sky, you're there!

If I go underground, you're there!

If I flew on morning's wings

to the far western horizon,

You'd find me in a minute—

you're already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!

At night I'm immersed in the light!"

It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;

night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

I've shared my feelings with some close friends in the past about how I experience God, but it's something I keep private for the most part for fear some won't understand. Our church is unique in the fact that it provides "open mic" a chance to be a part of service and share "your piece of the mosaic" and that was something I felt I should do because I KNOW how I feel about this. So, while I mull over things here on my side of the woods, I thought I would share with you what I shared with my church family last weekend.

When I’m listening to certain music, epic & pressing in some way, after a few moments a feeling creeps into me that I can’t quite name. My chest tightens, I feel the urge to close my eyes, and I need to move. I can picture the movements, the perfect movements for that piece of music.

Sometimes it’s just the urge to dance that comes over me, without any music at all, a particular move my body wants to make, always accompanied with the tightness in my chest & the urge to close my eyes. Watching performances with the specific type of music or dance has the same affect for me, often with tears.

For me, dancing has always been a very private and guarded thing. I either want to be alone, or somewhere safe, removed and expected, like rehearsal or a performance. Dancing I’m no longer myself, but this puppeted creature, moved about by the music and something that isn’t of this world. It’s how I was created to feel and express, to worship and be. Dance, ballet, is where I meet God, where I see Creation and the only place I can express myself to God and feel like I’m heard. It’s my prayer.

When I see a beautiful movement, feel my limbs stir or see a graceful dancer, to me that’s proof of God’s existence, these ethereal movements orchestrated by a higher power.

I thought about sharing a piece with you all tonight, but I don’t think I’m quite ready. So instead I’d like to share this short clip of Polina Seminova. It may not strike you as particularly epic or intense but I love it because she possesses amazing grace and skill. She moves with the music in her rehearsal clothes in an empty auditorium, feeling everything. I think she feels God here too.

Polina Semionova from Sebastián Acevedo on Vimeo.

Grandparent Visit

The "O"s at the Dallas Zoo

This weekend Adam's parents were in town, which means several things. Our whole family got together, Maeve had plenty of extra snuggles, and there was a second Christmas celebration!

Saturday we, along with Adam's sister's & brother's families went to the Dallas Zoo together with Grandma and Grandpa. All in all, that was fifteen people. :) Yes, we're quite the crowd. (and we were missing two folks!) We have yet to take Maeve to the zoo post-utero, though she made it to the Oklahoma City Zoo a few times while I was pregnant. She's in a new stage of awareness that really made the zoo fun. When her grandfather held her up to the monkeys her head moved side to side and up and down following a particularly frisky monkey across his enclosure. It was incredible to see, especially since it was just a week or two ago she seemed to REALLY see the dogs for the first time.

We loved seeing you all, and so did Maeve! We can't wait for the next visit!!!

Grandma and Maeve.

Grandpa and Maeve.

Very happily opening prsents from her sweet grandparents.

While in DC my Mom and I dug this photo up. I'm a few months older than Maeve is now. We girls love pink dresses and white bonnets!

PS: I have no idea how I turned my post into a hyper-link and thus cannot undo it. ;)

The Cliche New Years Resolution Post

I know it's cliche to do a post on New Year's resolutions, and worse to post about it a week after the New Year BUT I have a three month old. So sue me. ;)

In thinking about what I want to commit to for 2012 I've considered; what I regret about 2011, what I appreciated and am proud of from 2011, what I want for my family and my daughter, who I aspire to become and what it will take to become that woman.

So, my New Years Resolutions are as follows:

1. Live everyday consciously, choosing to be the heroine of my own story and living to be an example for my daughter. As Adam says, "if you're not living, you're dying."

2. Become connected with a volunteer organization such as Junior Women's Club, Volunteer America, etc. I'm not setting any amount of goal hours just yet because Maeve is still small and our schedule can be pretty unpredictable. I feel like it's important for me to infuse myself in our community and find a way to give back. Loving the world is being a part of the kingdom, and I don't feel like I'm very good at this. The last time I was really involved with volunteerism was high school through the symphony, ballet and nursing homes. I grew up watching my mother and her friends give back to our community through Junior League on a weekly basis and I aspire to follow her example.

3. Run a Half-Marathon! This was a goal of mine last year that was pushed aside due to doctor's orders with my pregnancy. I'm giving myself all the way until next December to meet this goal, and until the end of May to pick my half-marathon. Running for me has been a new and fun outlet over the last year, as well as great exercise. Considering I still have a third of my baby weight to lose, I feel like I have even greater motivation to meet this goal. So far I've done several 5ks and two 10ks, and I'm due to run my first race (a 5k) in a year next month.

There.

There are other goals I have lingering in the back of my mind, other things I feel half-committed to, but for now I think this is a good stopping point. An achievable, do-able list of goals for this year.

2012

Can you believe it?

Half a Century Later

I'm sure you were all in celebration with me Monday as one of the years best holidays found us once again. I'm talking, of course, about my birthday. :)

I was a little excited and a little weirded out at the prospect of turning 25, but so far it feels good. Plus, when I'm feeling old it helps that Adam's got a year on me, that old, old man. I spent the day relaxing, much like I am most days now, and at the perinatoligst. You will all be happy to know, I'm sure, that 001 is still looking lovely and that her baseline heartbeat has dropped considerably, which is apparently another sign she's getting herself ready to meet us. They didn't give us measurements this week, though they did tell us she has big feet for being so small, haha. Not much surprise since I'm a size 10.5/11 and Adam is a size 11....she's got little hope for growing up to buy cute little size 6 shoes.

We celebrated in the evening with the yummiest sushi at this great local place not far from our house that even served complimentary saki. Obviously, only Adam got to appreciate this perk, but still. Top it off with some yummy cheesecake and you have a wonderful day. Plus, Tuesday has found me on a mini-babymoon, otherwise known as accompanying my husband on his business trip to Austin. :) Food=Yum!

Bonus! I also got to see a good friend from high school, who was also one of my bridesmaids and she gave me these beautiful birthday flowers:

Worship, and God---for Me

So at church on Sunday I shared what worship and God mean to me, and I how experience that. It took me awhile to figure out just what I wanted to put, and how to word what I meant, and I still wasn't sure if I would be understood, or sound crazy. I was amazed afterwards when I was told by several people "I really could worship with it, after hearing you speak", or "I feel like I understand a whole new aspect of you now." It was incredibly encouraging, since I seldom share on this subject (unless prompted, like Sunday) because it isn't always well received. Here is what I shared:


When I’m listening to certain music, epic & pressing in some way after a few moments a feeling creeps into me that I can’t quite name. My chest tightens, I feel the urge to close my eyes, and I need to move. I can picture the movements, the perfect movements for that piece of music.

Sometimes it’s just the urge to dance that comes over me, without any music at all, a particular move my body wants to make, always accompjavascript:void(0)anied with the tightness in my chest & the urge to close my eyes. Watching performances with the specific type of music or dance has the same affect for me, often with tears.

For me, dancing has always been a very private and guarded thing. I either want to be alone, or somewhere “safe”, “removed” and “expected”, like rehearsal or a performance. Dancing I’m no longer myself, but this puppeted creature, moved about by the music and something that isn’t of this world. It’s how I was created to feel and express, to worship and be.

This clip may not strike you as particularly “epic” or “intense” but I love it because she possesses amazing grace and skill. She moves with the music in her rehearsal clothes in an empty auditorium, feeling everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uz2Gp7a38DM

Birthday

Happy Birthday to Me! :) Today was wonderful. Although I feel like there is nothing glamorous about turning 23, Adam made it a wonderful and special weekend. We spent the morning in Corinth at Cynthia & Mark's (his sister and brother-in-law) hanging out and eating lunch. For as close as we live, we never get to see each other-which is especially lame since we always have fun when we get together with them. At 2pm, we went to see the Broadway Tour of Mamma Mia--Adam's birthday surprise for me. Do gifts get any better then that?! No, they don't! Afterwards was dinner at....Piranhas (we're so predictable!) and an August birthdays party at the Reagans. We ended the night with a treat--live Mariachi music down the street. I am so not kidding, this guy was using a keyboard, microphone and speakers (facing out to the street)at 3am. Yes. So, we danced and hung out with the Mariachis. Good Day.

I quit

Well, I did it. I quit my job. I even cried a little bit. But he was really understanding--I think he kind of saw it coming. He'll be out of town the next 2 weeks, so that will be exhausting, but after that I'm done. I did tell him I will work a couple weekends if he needs me to until he finds someone else.....

YAY!!!!!!!!

Quitting

I could cry. Well, more accurately, I want to go back to crying again...like I was earlier tonight, but I will act like a grown-up, I will...I will... We've come to an interesting intersection for us. I have been working at PM for almost 3 years now, and I have LOVED it! My boss is the kind of boss you spend all your time wishing you had, thinking about while you secretly curse your evil manager when he's not looking. My boss actually cares about me, is incredibly generous with time off, and insanely fair in the work place. The problem is...I've reached the point in our work-employee relationship that PM is no longer the place for me. Not only no longer the place, but it is actually starting to make me an anxious, irritated mess. Not exactly what I need. AND, I was just given a revised job offer, originally meant to be part-time my new job offer is for a full-time position...one that actually pertains to what I want to do after I have a Masters, mastered. Not just a job either, but one I really REALLY wanted! The problem is that while the employee is ready to quit and leave, I harbor major guilt over abandoning my friends and boss. I've discovered that's the problem about having a job you love, you can't just nonchalantly walk to the back and tell em "thanks, but I believe I'm done here". I have actually shed big, sad, crocodile tears at the mere thought of having to tell them "these next two weeks will need to be my last two". I feel guilty, ungrateful, irresponsible, and half-crazy. *sigh* But I am writing it out here, hoping for some kind of release. Maybe if I write this I will not cry half as much tomorrow when I try to explain my thought process and needs to his confused and worried face.

Or maybe I'll get lucky, and find out I don't mean half as much to him. Maybe he'll just say "alright. two weeks", turn and go on about his business. Then I could move on about mine.

...........except I think that would be much, much worse.......